REAL ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION
Most attorneys are
familiar with prominent alternative dispute
resolution firms such as JAMS (Judicial
Arbitration and Mediation Service), WAMS
(Washington Arbitration and Mediation Service),
and those named after retired judges or
commissioners [insert name of mediator here]
Arbitration and Mediation Service.
Family lawyers in particular have many
challenges when dealing with warring spouses
fighting over custody, property, money and who
gets the toaster oven. Most practitioners are
not aware that there are several ADR providers
who are more specialized, either in their
approach or the market which they serve. As
lawyers trying to get the best outcomes for our
clients, we need to choose the appropriate ADR
provider for the unique needs of our cases. The
following is a list of alternative alternative
dispute resolution providers which may be just
the right fit for your case. Keep in mind that
these providers could be useful in a variety of
areas besides family law.
LAMS Specializing in cases where clients are on
the run from the law. Cash up front required; no
personal checks accepted.
SCRAMS Adept at so irritating the opposing party
that they flee the jurisdiction.
SHAMS Accepts only cases where settlement
proposals are illusory, impractical to carry
out, or outright impossible.
FLIM-FLAMS Shares office space with SHAMS. Sucks
opposing parties into too-good-to-be-true
settlements, then disappears before CR 2A can be
SCAMS Specializes in pyramid-scheme settlements
where opposing parties satisfy needs for money
from unsuspecting third parties.
WHAMS "What Me Worry" Arbitration and Mediation
Service. Induces parties to enter vague
settlement agreements with holes in every area.
Always appoints itself arbitrator knowing that
the parties will be back over and over again to
hash out disputes over interpretation and
MAMS Exceedingly polite mediators, so much so
that they get talked into making up deficits in
clients' settlements out of their own pockets,
and not charging for their services.
SLAMS Emphasizes points by throwing things at
walls and onto tables, intimidating clients into
RAMS For those needing really heavy-handed
mediators, not afraid to use head-butting,
choke-holds or stun-guns to force settlements.
Operated by ex-SLAMS employees fired for using
CRAMS Locks parties into a room with no food or
water until settlement is reached. Can
co-mediate with SLAMS and RAMS.
CLAMS Separates parties into different rooms
with no communication allowed between them.
First to try to escape loses.
IAMS Provides only cat treats and dog kibble as
refreshments during mediations. No bathroom
breaks allowed, only trips to the litter box.
NRAMS NRA-affiliated mediation service. Equips
parties with large-caliber pistols and arranges
duel at 20 paces. Last one standing wins.
BLAMS Conducts sessions at the shooting range,
with parties taking shots at targets depicting
their estranged spouse and his/her attorney.
Once clients' desire to act out violently is
satisfied, reasonable settlements are reached
SPAMS Sends barrages of unsolicited e-mails to
the other side until they capitulate.
WAAAAMS Lets parties have crying fits under the
conference table until they snap out of it and
Copyright © 2006-2011 Lisa Scott. All Rights Reserved.