REAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PERPETRATOR TREATMENT PROVIDERS
Here is a directory of "Real" approved DV perp treatment providers:
Trailer Park Treatment Associates
Try our discount DV treatment program. We don't use the "Duluth Model" we use the "Duvall Model." Perfect for the trailer-park lifestyle. If you've been featured on "COPS" getting arrested for DV wearing a "wife-beater" shirt, then this program is for you! Instead of the "Power and Control Wheel" we use the "Exploding Whitewall Tire of Anger" to teach our clients how best to blow up and not get in trouble for it. We let you get your frustrations out by perforating empty beer cans with .22's at the gravel pit. Our recidivism rate (if we knew what that meant) is the lowest in Northeast King County. Sign up this week and get a free seat cover for your Trans-Am.
Perpetual Treatment Center
Once you get in, you never get out. Forget 1-year state certified domestic violence perpetrator treatment, that's for amateurs. We provide a comprehensive, lifetime treatment program for inveterate abusers who just can't be trusted to walk the streets without intensive, permanent intervention. Conventional programs are not long enough to really change your attitudes and behaviors, so we don't pretend we can cure you in one year, or ever. Face it, your ex, the family court, criminal court, or whoever sent you to treatment will never accept that you've been cured after one year, so you'll get sent back anyway. We have easy payment plans and low interest rates on approval of credit. Not dischargeable in bankruptcy.
DV Perp Lite
Perfect for guys who've never committed anything remotely resembling DV but get forced into treatment anyway. You aren't guilty - we get it. Our classes are as easy as summer remedial underwater basket weaving. To satisfy state regulations and maintain our certification, we spend the first 15 minutes of every session flagellating you with a feather boa. The rest of the time we watch cable sports shows, talk about football and eat take-out pizza. In order to graduate, you just sign our standard, pre-printed accountability letter that admits your true nature:
"I am bad"
"I did everything she said" and
"I'm a lower life form"
For those in a real hurry we have express service. Just come to our drive-up window, sign in and pay double the usual fees. We spill a lukewarm latte in your lap and send you on your way. Franchises available.