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The New Dissolution Forms Are Here: Goody!

The new dissolution of marriage forms are here, provided as a public service to you, the lucky litigants, by your state court administrator. These forms are for Washington State only. Your state's forms may differ, so check your local laws.

For years, divorce forms have been gender-neutral, the only gender references being "husband" and "wife." Recognizing that virtually all woman are victims of domestic violence (95 per cent), and all men are abusers (100 per cent), it was time the forms were updated to deal with this reality. Last year our state legislature passed important legislation to allow the forms to be changed. The legislative findings are as follows:

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women ages -3 months to age 100. Domestic violence (DV) is also the leading cause of warts, rashes, bad breath, incontinence, foot fungus, restless leg syndrome, hypochondria, and victimization. 99.9 per cent of women admitted to hospital emergency rooms (1) agree that DV is bad, and (2) are, or could be, victims of DV (.1 per cent were cross-dressers so they don't count). Ninety per cent of women live in terror that their husbands will abuse them when they find out that she drove the car 30 miles with no oil in the engine. The remaining 10 per cent are not allowed to drive. The State Legislature prides itself on changing entrenched, antiquated laws, such as the "Rule of Thumb" which purportedly allowed a husband to beat his wife so long as he used a stick no larger than his thumb. While this particular law has been debunked by serious researchers, further research into English common law has uncovered other rules that we now declare null and void:

Rule of Elbow
Rule of Nostril
Rule of Buttock

The Legislature does not intend to abrogate any right to self-defense undertaken by a woman against the man, whether using weapons or not. Therefore, the following rules are declared still in effect:

Rule of Lee Press-On Nails
Rule of Canine Teeth
Rule of Knee in Groin

With this enabling legislation now in effect, we unveil the following new forms:

If you are a woman, here's your form:

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF WASHINGTON _________ COUNTY

In Re the Marriage of

___________________
[Name]
Woman/Victim

and
___________________
[Name]
Man/Perpetrator/Abuser
_________________________

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No.

PETITION FOR DISSOLUTION
OF MARRIAGE

(PETDISSVICTIM)

I. BASIS

The following abuse has been perpetrated by the abuser male against the victim female:

[ ] Hitting
[ ] Pushing
[ ] Kicking
[ ] Shoving
[ ] Slapping
     [ ] While Pregnant
     [ ] While Not Pregnant
     [ ] While Thinking About Becoming Pregnant
[ ] Threats
[ ] Yelling
[ ] Snarling
[ ] Evil Looks
[ ] Evil Thoughts
[ ] Just Being There
[ ] Leaving Cap Off Toothpaste
[ ] Leaving Toilet Seat Up
[ ] Smelly Socks
[ ] Smelly Underwear
[ ] Smelly Ear
[ ] Being a Bully
[ ] Being a Wuss
[ ] Laughing Inappropriately
[ ] Crying Inappropriately
[ ] No Emotion
[ ] Child Abuse
[ ] Sexual Abuse
[ ] Animal Abuse
[ ] Sexual Abuse of Animals
     [ ] Mammal
     [ ] Hoofed Mammal
     [ ] Other
[ ] Being Too Controlling
[ ] Being Too Distant
[ ] Controlling Finances
[ ] Neglecting Finances
[ ] Forcing Spouse to Balance Checkbook and Not Bounce Checks
[ ] Wanting Too Much Sex
[ ] Wanting Too Little Sex
[ ] Objecting When Wife Has Sex with Mailman

II. RELIEF REQUESTED

The petitioner REQUESTS the court to enter a decree of dissolution and to grant the relief requested below.

[ ] Humiliation
[ ] Stern Warning
[ ] Deportation
[ ] Prison Term
     [ ] County Jail
     [ ] State Pen
     [ ] Arctic Ice Floe
[ ] Restraining Order
[ ] Retraining Order
[ ] Housetraining Order
[ ] Sole Custody of Children
[ ] No Visitation
[ ] Visitation Once
[ ] Child Support: 100 per cent of his income
[ ] Property: 100 per cent
[ ] Debt: 0 per cent
[ ] Maintenance: Lifetime (mine, not his)
[ ] Attorneys Fees
     [ ] Unreasonable
     [ ] Outrageous
     [ ] Bankruptcy-Inducing
[ ] Other: I'm Thinking


Dated: _________.

____________________________
____________________________
Attorney for Petitioner
WSBA # __________

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the State of Washington that the foregoing is true and correct.

Signed at Bellevue, Washington on _____________.


__________________________
__________________________
Petitioner


If you are a man, here's your form:

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF WASHINGTON _________ COUNTY

In Re the Marriage of

___________________
[Name]
Man
Abuser/Adulterer/
Low-Life Scum

and
___________________
[Name]
Woman
Innocent Victim of
His Abuse and Neglect
_________________________

)
)
)
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No.

PETITION FOR DISSOLUTION
OF MARRIAGE

(PETDISSABUSER)

I. BASIS

It's all my fault.

II. RELIEF REQUESTED

Give her everything.


Dated: _________.

____________________________
____________________________
Attorney for Petitioner
WSBA # __________

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of the State of Washington that the foregoing is true and correct.

Signed at Bellevue, Washington on _____________.


__________________________
__________________________
Petitioner

 

FOR ADDITIONAL FORMS:

Women: You must obtain forms through one of hundreds of Taxpayer-Funded Domestic Violence Programs (free of charge, of course; forms already conveniently filled out).
Dial 1-800-GET-ITAL.

Men: You must obtain forms through a high-priced attorney for whatever they fleece you for.
Dial 1-800-GIV-ITUP.


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