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Congressional sources have revealed some significant changes will be made to federal domestic violence laws. Bowing to pressure from men's rights groups who for years have claimed that the Federal Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) is biased against men, congressional leaders will soon announce a revamping of this legislation.

In recognition of the fact that there may be a few men out there who get beaten up by their wives but are too ashamed to admit it, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) will be renamed the Violence Against Women and Wimps and Wussies Act (VAWAWAWA).

To ensure the non-bias of federal law and quell any further criticism by men's rights activists, a separate law serving male victims will also be enacted called Violence On Men - It's Token (VOMIT).

VOMIT earmarks 2.5 hundred dollars ($250.00) annually to fund a domestic violence hotline for male victims: 1-800-IMAWUSS. A recorded message will direct the caller to stop blubbering and get back to work you pathetic whiner. The bill will also cover funding needed to scrawl the hotline number on bathroom stalls in sports arenas, bowling alleys and pool halls in 15 locations across the country.

Pursuant to the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, all victims are equal, but some victims are more equal than others. Therefore, VAWAWAWA programs will be available to ALL victims of domestic violence, provided they meet stringent eligibility standards.

Called Qualified Victims of Domestic Violence (or QVDV's), all QVDV's must meet the following criteria:

1. Membership in a traditionally oppressed group, e.g.

Black Women
Hispanic Women
Asian Women
Eskimo Women
Republican Women (including any member of a women's group designated by the term "ladies auxiliary" to an exclusively male fraternal organization)
Gay Men

Heterosexual Men who have been assaulted by a female will not be disqualified merely because of their gender and sexual orientation. However, QVDV status can provisionally be granted only to men who admit they are the REAL abuser and that their long-term pattern of abuse, power and control over their female partner finally drove her to snap and lash out violently at him, but that he could not possibly have been hurt by it. QVDV status will be conditioned upon the man's entry into a 5-year Batterer's Treatment and Re-Education Program.

2. Desire and ability to be permanently defined by membership in a victim class. Any QVDV who subsequently elevates himself/herself beyond victim status will lose QVDV eligibility for 3 years or until victim identity again becomes the person's overriding defining characteristic. If any question about the mandatory predominance of victim identity arises, QVDV status will be maintained so long as the person continually refers to himself/herself as a "domestic violence survivor" and to the perpetrator of abuse as "my abuser," regardless of how minor the abuse or how remote in time it may have occurred. Note: being subjected to actual violence is not required; it is sufficient that a person believe he or she is a victim to qualify as a QVDV. Hence "I THINK I am a victim, therefore, I AM a victim."

3. Ability to maintain membership in a constituent group willing to line up at the federal trough for perpetual subsidy and pandering by opportunistic politicians.

4. Zombie-like capacity to accept without question politically-correct dogma and crackpot theories with the intellectual depth of a bicycle bumper sticker, dispensed by leftist sociology departments of ivy league universities.

5. Willingness to be perpetually exploited by self-serving professional victim pimps whose only agenda is to increase their own wealth, power, and influence.

6. Willingness to sacrifice his/her independence, freedom, and autonomy to all manner of victim advocates, social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists and other know-it-all elitists for the rest of his/her hopelessly dependent and pathetic life.

Periodic QVDV requalification will not be required, however, QVDV status shall be immediately revoked upon credible allegation of any of the following:

-Attendance at any Republican or Libertarian Party function, real estate investment seminar, or Amway convention

-Listening to, reading, or agreeing with conservative or libertarian commentators

-Subscribing to Reason, Skeptical Inquirer or Martha Stewart Living magazines

-Worshiping at any non-qualifying religious denomination (consult Federal Register Titles 3-24 for list of non-approved religious organizations)

-Support of tax cuts at any level of government, whether federal, state or local

-Self-employment (except for any psycho-social profession)

-Membership in any heavy industrial trade union

-Firearms possession or ownership, NRA membership, and/or expressed willingness to utilize self-defense when physically threatened

-Belief in a Higher Power, higher even than the Federal Government, the ACLU, Trial Lawyers, or vacuous Hollywood celebrities with brains of oatmeal

The legislative changes were prompted by lobbying efforts of a secretive new organization called CLAW: THE CENTER FOR LEGAL ADVANCEMENT OF WEAKNESS. Sources have learned that CLAW is an advocacy group for the protection and perpetuation of victims and victimhood. CLAW's Mission Statement sums up its core agenda:

"When there are no victims, there are no abusers. When there are no abusers, there are no bogeymen. When there are no bogeymen, there are no politicians drumming up hysteria that only drastic government intervention can abate. Save the Victims."

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